everything with my school loan is finished. Oh, and I’m getting a new phone tonight because mine is a piece.

Yay! Happiness!

I would just like to say that I am most definitely proud of myself for working so hard with school and crossfit. Also, for not freaking out at work with all of the stress that is being passed around the office. I’m doing very well on quiting smoking, too! I’m pretty sure Crossfit has ALOT to do with it. :] All in all I’d say I’m pretty happy. Now, to just straighten out my student loan and everything will be peachy keen!

Oh, and I told you so. ;]

Why do college universities insist on hiring college students as their office workers? Especially in departments such as Registrar and Financial Aide. I mean, I pulled a private student loan, and ALL Troy has to do is sign off on the piece of paper Wells Fargo faxed over and FAX IT BACK. Apparently, this concept is entirely too complicated for even the simple minded workers there in the office. 

Wells Fargo isn’t doing a great job at keeping me any less confused, either. I really had when two campuses (Troy University in Troy, AL ; Troy University in Montgomery, AL) and a bank (Wells Fargo) give me the biggest run around for 3 weeks straight. They have no idea what they are talking about, they don’t make notes in my file so that they DO know when I call back in 3 days like they tell me to, and they give me false information every time because they have no idea what they are talking about. 

BY THE WAY, Wells Fargo, this seven minute hold you put me on to speak to a representative has been twenty. Wanna know WHY you are about to see the ugliest side of me? Because you are potentially costing me $3,000. Sorry, I can’t pull that out of my ass. If I could, I wouldn’t be dealing with this.

High school was so much easier. Can I just go back to that?

When you hit a speed bump in life, look behind you.  Who ever is standing behind you - cheering you on for your choices, comforting you for you loss, or being a good friend and watching your back and telling you whether you were wrong or right,

THOSE ARE YOUR FRIENDS.

Those are the people that care about you genuinely.

NEVER take those friends for granted.

This is one thing that I wish a lot of people would really take into consideration. This is the very thing I live by day to day. It’s sad really. The mood I’ve been in lately, and there have been a few people that have been there for me. When I watched my Uncle die, right in front of me - a few people were there to text me through the whole thing and didn’t blow off my feelings for their own. One person I never expected. Other’s who didn’t know about it until later sent their condolences my way. Those are the people that I consider my real friends. The ones who are willing to listen to me when I’m at my worst. Those who will care about my feelings, even when they aren’t at a match with their own.

Those people that I thought cared about me, the ones who didn’t care about my feelings that day. The ones who texted me the next day when they wanted something from me. Those are the ones that I now have ZERO respect for as a person. Those are the people I do not want around me. These specific people have lost any type of care or concern I have ever had for them. I doubt it would matter much to them anyway. They only needed me when it was convenient for them.

One thing these certain people will learn - I play this game 300 times better.

I am going away for a while
I’ll be back don’t try and follow me
I’ll return as soon as possible
See I’m tryin’ to find my place
It might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

I appreciate everyone that has been there for me for the past couple of days. I know eventually I will owe everyone an apology for being short with my conversations or not responding to texts from certain people, but for now I feel a little lost in my own thoughts. Right now, I have become a hermit to my body, withdrawn from everyone and everything. My only choice is to find what I need from myself, because every loss in my life only brings me back to the memory of ALL the losses I have endured. 

Throughout the last couple of days, I have come to one of MANY conclusions I will probably need: I have to find something to focus my time and energy on and no matter what, I must remain busy. I’m not so sure that I want to go out and party much right now, because all I want to do is keep to myself. Honestly, I want a time machine. If given a choice, I’d go back to being fifteen. Those were the times when I knew what I was doing (for the most part), whether it got me in trouble or not, I knew where I was heading and I had fun with it. I had no cares or worries, just ready for the next show at the Theatre or Legacy. I’m not ready to grow up, and that is playing a huge part in my depression.

I think I’m going to focus my energy into music and crossfit. One thing I miss the most is music, and through music I have always been able to cope. Guess its time to brush up on my piano skills. 

It’s time to bring my old self back out for an encore.

Have you ever stood there in a room full of family members, waiting for your uncle - who treated you more like a daughter - to take his final breath? I have. I felt his body grow cold and his limbs turn a shade of purple. I listened to my family speak to him, letting him know that we were all there with him, to say our goodbyes. I prayed with everyone over his body, the last human prayer he will have ever had.

And then I lost it as one family member willed him into God’s Kingdom, and asked him to tell my granddaddy and all of my other uncles hello. Now, i know that it’s impossible for that to happen, because that isn’t how the afterlife works. But to see my uncle on the oxygen mask, bone thin and unable to care for himself. Fighting for his life. He reminded me of my granddaddy. I couldn’t be in the room anymore.

I stepped outside, preparing myself for what ever emotion was to come over me. And that’s when I heard him. He was as beautiful a creature as any other. He calmed me down and somehow brought peace to my emotions. It’s quite interesting when you thing about it. Something as simple as a woodpecker, pecking away at wood on the dead tree next door.

Symbolically, a woodpecker indicates a return to our roots, or having trust in our basic (gut) feelings. Dr. Carl Jung observed the woodpecker as a symbol of a return to the womb of creativity. In this observation the tree is symbolic of a womb; earthy, grounded, sturdy and secure. The woodpecker’s home within the tree is analogous of a fierce determination to return and protect that which is sacred to us. (http://www.whats-your-sign.com/symbolic-meaning-of-woodpecker.html)

So when I saw this bird, peacefully going about his business- it just reminded me that Uncle Wayne was going home. Back to where it all began. And suddenly, I was at peace and ready to send my final farewell to him.

I think the best thing for me right now would be to move away.  I need a change of scenery. Everywhere I go in this town bring back too many memories. Whether good or bad, they all make me sad for certain reasons. I know that once I’m out of this place and have completely moved on, I will be able to bring my walls down a bit. I will no longer have a reason to keep myself busy and moving just to run from my thoughts and memories. I’ve done so well so far, and I can’t let myself get to me. 

I know that I have something good going for me, but I’m not sure how to handle it, because it wasn’t exactly what I expected for myself. The life I live and will have wasn’t my plan - it just happened. Although I love spontaneity, I’m not so sure I liked being blindsided in this particular way. In all of my complete honesty, If I could - I would go back and change a lot of things that I did or that happened in my life. Knowing what I know now, I would do a lot of things differently. But then I know that a lot of the people I know now and the experiences I achieved wouldn’t happen. It’s all such a bittersweet feeling.

If I could just escape to a better place for just a while, I’d come back differently. If I could just remold myself, I’d be a better person. If I could just forget everything - I’d be happy. 

God just told me it was a bad idea.

hahaha.

  It’s a difficult process trying to forgive someone for something that they have done to hurt you. I’ve been trying to figure out how to be cordial. Trying to work on myself in starting a new slate with people. Although I want to forgive and start over, I know who to keep borders and walls up with and who I can honestly trust based on what they have done to me. This isn’t to say that I will absolutely never trust them again, this just means it may take longer for them to prove to me that they have changed before I can trust them. 

Another problem is that I have so many newer friends that I am constantly around that have an outspoken problem with certain people I want to start over with. I don’t care what they think and their opinions don’t sway mine what so ever, but the fact that none of the problems I had with those people have anything to do with them. It’s fine with me if they make those choices for themselves, but I’m not asking their opinion so they shouldn’t feel the need to attempt to control my decisions in anyway. One thing people need to learn about me is that I’m no where near a weak individual. I stand my ground and make my own choices. Whether they do the same is not my concern. I will always be here for them, of course, but I have learned (from observation and personal experience) that everyone is going to do what they truly want, regardless of advice given.

Deep down in my heart, I know that the only way I’m ever going to “settle down” in my future, is to forgive all -and I mean ALL - of my past grudges. Thinking about all of this brings be back around this time four years ago. I was listening to a speaker at East Montgomery Baptist Church. He was talking about his revolution of the heart and his realization to forgive and ask for forgiveness from those people. It was quiet all over the church auditorium as he shared his stories, but one thing that really stuck with me was that he didn’t feel like he’d really and truly forgiven and been forgiven until he faced those people one on one, told them he forgave everything they did to him and also asked for forgiveness for his wrong doings to them as well has forgiving him for how long he held his grudge. He told us that it did come with humiliation, because of those people, three of them laughed in his face and shut the door on him. Even though that happened to him, he still was satisfied in himself knowing that he did the right thing.

And that’s all I want to do is right thing.

This really couldn’t have happened at a worse time. I don’t understand why this has to be such a difficult process. All I wanna do is get back in school. I’m so stressed. All I wanna do is scream. I’ve got to keep trying. I will keep trying. Even if it kills me…